Magazine 'The Bystander' - 12th of June 1918, item 4

• October 25, 2017 22:59:30 Thomas A. Lingner

  Page 454 The Bystander, June 12, 1918

  A Very Sly Dog

  by the Old Guard

  We desire it to be understood distinctly that we write these burning lines in the public interest. Although our story may appear at first sight to be merely the recital of a cheap, personal wrong, we claim for it that it is nothing short of the awful revelation of a grave public scandal which, but for the lynx-eyed watchfulness of our good self, might be limitless in its sinister influence. We should scorn to thrust our poor private grievances vulgarly upon our friends the public, and but for the fact that we regard this matter as one of national importance, we should have held our peace upon it. We beg indulgence for our plaintive tale here unfolded.

  
  

  A short while since, on returning to the suburb which we grace with our presence as a distinguished resident, we found reposing on our doorstep a mean-looking dog. It had the appearance of being a cross between all the known and unknown breeds of dogs; and the fact that it was apparently friendless and alone in the cold, hard world did not, accordingly, surprise us. We therefore prodded the conglomerate creature with our foot, and begged that it would use some other person's premises for its rest camp.

  
  

  The dog listened respectfully to our remarks, and then bowed politely, as though admitting that our case was irrefutable. It then settled down on its haunches, with its paws dangling pathetically in the air, and looked at us earnestly, while great tears welled up into its eyes and streamed down its furrowed cheeks. We are not ashamed to say that we were not man enough to resist this artful appeal to our emotions. We opened our door and bade them bring such food as could be spared for the poor dumb thing, and we stood by, ready to direct it on its way as soon as it should have eaten to repletion. In a moment of lax watchfulness on our part, however, the wily creature brushed past us, and having entrenched itself behind the umbrella stand proceeded leisurely to dig itself in. On the following morning we packed the animal off; but within ten minutes it was back again, and showed such evidences of sheer delight at being with us once again that we decided to give it a home for a while. It is so rarely that anybody or anything seems to take an abiding joy in our company that we found the novel experience refreshing. Our vanity was touched, and we fell.

  
  

  A few days later a strange person called upon us, and apologised for his intrusion by announcing that he represented some obscure department of His Majesty's Inland Revenue. Speaking in the most general and impersonal way, he said that there were ungentle people about who were graceless enough to keep dogs without holding the proper licence for that privilege, and although the detail could not, of course, interest us personally, it was an undoubted fact that the Government were in the habit of imposing a penalty upon individuals who were so dead to a sense of shame as to neglect their obvious duty as law-abiding citizens in this respect. And after adding a polite and pious wish for our continued good health, he bowed himself out of our presence.

  
  

  As we pride ourself on our national and civic patriotism, we duly procured the necessary licence, feeling that in this bit of hybrid canine jetsam we had found a kindred soul, to which our own went out in fraternal affection. And that night the mongrel thing-that had, as it were, broken bread and taken salt with us-shook the dust of our place from its misshapen feet and vanished into space. We have not seen it since.

  
  

  We have now considered this singular happening very carefully, and are satisfied that we have arrived at a complete solution of the mystery. It is clear to us that the Government, being short of money, has resorted to this wretched subterfuge to raise the wind. We have no doubt whatever that the Government spend their spare time in adroitly training these dogs to lure foolishly humane citizens into the payment of a tax the liability for which they have not incurred. The dogs appear to be of unusual intelligence, and, apparently, as soon as they are satisfied that they have landed their gudgeon, they pass on to the next victim, apprising the Inland Revenue of their progress by a special bark, which is doubtless licked into them in the course of their training. We have had our eye on this Government for a long while; and now we have the rascals on the hip!

  
  

   Cartoon in lower left showing a woman talking to a clerk 

   Caption: 

  Bringing the war home to her

  Shopkeeper: "I see the Germans say they've captured one of our Tanks"

  Old Lady: "Good gracious! I 'ope it ain't that one as I put all my money in"

  
  

  
  

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